I've been married now for exactly one year, thirty days, six hours, and thirty six minutes. This is almost exactly thirteen months.My husband is out of town on business for about four days. So far, he has been gone for two days, seven hours, twenty two minutes. I’ve slept alone in our house for two nights. I’ve eaten two breakfasts and three dinners alone. I’ve gone to church alone once, accepted one solo dinner invitation, come home after work to an empty house twice, felt midnight empty-house fear a couple of time, reached for him uselessly half-dreamy in bed three times, anxiously answered his calls six times, explained his absence to others eight times.
All this makes it sound so lonely. Do I miss him? Of course. Am I lonely?... well...hmmm...
Before he left I was positively distraught. I couldn’t stand the idea of spending four days without him. I was scared of the idea of so many hours alone. I just like his company. We don’t even have to be talking to each other or anything – in fact, I"m usually quite busy – but I just like knowing he’s there when I want him. And so the night before he left I was emotional, clingy and weepy. I wanted more and more kisses. I wanted to hold on tighter and tighter. I wanted to buy a last minute plane ticket to go with him. I never wanted to separate again.
And now that he’s gone... I really can’t say that it’s been miserable. I expected to be so forlorn and romantically sullen, longing, yearning for him. And I’m not. I’ve been married over a year now, does that mean something? We joked before he left about the honeymoon being over. We laughed, I said it would never be over. I’m only more in love with him now than I have ever been. Which is true. But here I am, not even lonely, even kindof enjoying the time to myself. I can get more done. I have time to contemplate. I have time to clean and run errands and don’t have someone second guessing anything I do or don’t do. I don’t have to make dinner for anybody. I can do things on my own schedule. I don’t have to go to bed at a particular time. The TV is off! I love it.
What does it mean, exactly, "the honeymoon being over" thing. I always assumed it was a bad thing, that it means that the problems and grief of marriage set in, that you get sick of each other, that you’re no longer "in love" the way you used to be. At least, I always assumed that’s what people generally mean when they use the term. I think generally they do.
But I’ve decided that what it really means for the honeymoon to be over is something different (and maybe people even mean this sometimes, and I just never understood before). It means not that you fall out of love, but that you move into the next phase of your love and your life together. At the beginning of marriage there is an important "honeymoon" phase that you spend really becoming part of each other and part of each other’s lives. You bond and grow closer and accommodate each other and become a team instead of two separate individuals. It’s romantic and cute. It’s the part of a relationship that we all look forward to... as adolescents at least. But this "honeymoon over" part... just might be even better. This, I think, is the part where you reaffirm and remember that you are an individual still. An individual who has covenanted to a partnership with another, and that by that partnership you accomplish things that you never could alone, but that the partnership is also completely dependent on your sovereignty and individuality. This is the part where you let go of fear, let go of uncertainty, let go of co-dependence and embrace inter-dependence. This is the part where you stand up and own your power. "This relationship works because it adds to my life, not because it takes away."
The fact that I’m not despondent without Jared made me a little nervous at first. I wondered if there was something wrong or that it was All Downhill From Here. And don’t get me wrong. Of course there will be moments, especially as his absence drags on, that I’ll really miss him, that I’ll want to tell him something, or ask him something, or feel his arms around me, or have his help.
But heavens, I’m not non-functional without him! My life was pretty damn good before Jared came along. I think that’s why he wanted me. And that hasn’t changed. I’m a happy and productive person. I have a happy life. Jared or no Jared. He makes it better, but he doesn’t make it. What a tragic mistake so many people make when looking for a spouse. They wait on their own lives because they want their spouse to be every part of it. But if you do this, you’ll be dependent on your spouse for happiness. Which, as the relationship matures, you’ll find a spouse cannot always provide. That’s a sure way to doom not only your own happiness, but your spouses (if I’ve learned anything, it’s that spouses feel guilty for needs they don’t fulfill. And guilt is depressing and discouraging. The fewer needs you saddle your spouse with, the happier you’ll both be.)
I’m looking forward to The End of The Honeymoon. I think the next phase will be the most beautiful and joyous: real depth of commitment, real love, real partnership, real romance. As a whole, self-actualized woman, I will embrace this man that I love, who loves me, and together we’ll blaze our future. Not one of fantasy, but one of real, actual, here-and-now life. One that we will not only dream of, but actually live, for the rest of our lives.
