Wildest Dreams II

It's funny. The last post has generated perhaps more personal conversations than any other. Some people commented online, others talked to me on the phone or in person. I've just had so many followup thoughts and input and fallout that I decided I need to do an actual followup post, in order to continue the thought experiment. And please note, this is a thought experiment for me. I wasn't writing things that I believe are irrefutably true. I am just experimenting with ideas and saying things out loud to see if they feel right or ring true to me. Or lead me closer to understanding something. (note: this post incorporates lots of semi-organized thoughts and it's pretty long. If you're not that interested, it's cool)

• Disclaimer: I do need to clarify that this thought experiment is not necessarily about my prevailing and dominant feelings. It is only one part of me that is rolling eyes over the Wildest Dreams list. Another, very conscious part of me is saying "Go Moonsoul!!" In fact, I would say the eye-rolling didn't even really kick in until a list was requested of ME. So this has nothing to do with whether she can get that 2 million dollars or not. Like I said in my last post, I've actually seen pretty amazing accomplishments out of her, and I doubt her nothing.
  

• I'm amazed at how many people identified with me on one level or another. Honestly, I thought some people would think I was being pretty lame. Instead, I've had a number of people almost thanking me for posting.

• Since I posted I've realized this is far from a new issue for me. If anyone remembers the monologue entitled "Grown Up" from my CD Release concert (I'm sure you don't, but I do), it is a discussion about Dreams vs. Reality, in which I assert that I'm not giving up on my dreams. That was 5 years ago! In fact, that same monologue was also inspired by MoonSoul, when I barely knew her (Wow, Moonsoul. Way to inspire). Anyway, I was struggling with these issues back then too. Also, if you look at my post just a couple before this where I talk about there being a time and a season for all things, you can see that I'm dealing with these things there too. One of the thoughts I've had since posting is, "for heaven's sake, Skye, sort it out and get over it already!" Am I seriously going to be hung up on this one issue forever? (you know people who have a pet issue, and it bugs them their whole lives it seems? Like my mother. She is constantly saying, "this year I'm going to try and not schedule myself so much so I have some time for myself." or, "I just need to learn to do things for myself once in a while." She may make progress, but she still says that year after year after year. Anyway, I kind of want to learn my thingy and move on.)

After many thoughts and conversations, here is the stuff which I think is closest to the truth:

As I said, I've apparently been wrestling with this issue for years. In one way I think I should make a decision about how to live my life and move on, as I said above. But I also realize that we daily make decisions about what to do with our time and what goals to pursue. I can't expect, especially now that I have a child, to make one decision to doggedly follow a pursuit and just do that forever, not taking into consideration the feelings of others or repercussions to my family. I have to constantly be taking the temperature of things and adjusting accordingly. Maybe this is why I still and will continue to struggle with this idea. In order to not let go of dreams I have to do a constant balancing act. Like many things, I believe it is in managing the paradox that you find true happiness and self – in this case, a balance of selflessness and selfishness. So how could I really expect to just move on without constantly thinking about this issue and trying to figure out the right balance? I don't want to be lazy about it. I don't want to lose myself in mothering and wife-ing. Nor do I want to give up any of my relationship with my child or husband in my pursuit of self-fulfillment. So.

And as for my sensitivity, there's that recent post about there being a time and a season for all things. In that post I was reminding myself that I had done many great things for myself, and now I am entering a time in my life where I will - yes - give up on certain of those dreams for a time. As a friend told me on the phone this week, "you're the classic over-achiever. You don't feel good about yourself unless you're doing a million things," which is true. Some people need encouragement to get off their duffs and DO something with themselves. But some people don't need that, and maybe, in fact, need the opposite: reminding that it's ok to not do everything in the world you're capable of. So it's something I try to remind myself of, in order to not be so selfish all the time (another of my constant battles).

The Times and Seasons post was an effort to let go of some personal expectations and close a chapter of my life for a time, in order to do other things. But I can't pretend that is easy or painless for me. It's actually quite difficult, even though it's what I really want. The Wildest Dreams list, I think, opened a freshly closed wound, in a way. I know it wasn't meant in any way that should have done that, but nevertheless, when I think of my wildest dreams, I AM thinking of things I have chosen to leave by the wayside for now. And so somewhere deep inside I couldn't bring myself to write them down. It would have been like that scene in Harry Potter, where he writes "I must not tell lies" and it cuts into his skin each time. I could just imagine cutting into my heart with every line item that I know I won’t pursue right now.

So now I’ve decided that what I've learned from this is that I really DO need to write a list of dreams – but a NEW list. In my adjusting of my expectations, I need to not just leave my previous dreams by the wayside, but to also find new things to focus on that really excite me. You know: instead of switching from a positive to a negative focus, switch to another positive focus.

So here’s my first draft, in no particular order:

• I teach my children to love music.
• My children are happy
• My children and husband feel loved by me
• My children have faith in the world and people around them.
• My children grow up to be well-adjusted adults who know how to have joy in their lives.
• Jared becomes cancer-free and stays that way for the rest of his life.
• Eventually we are able to buy life insurance
• I keep a clean house
• I become a great gourmet cook.
• I become a great cook of healthy food.
• I learn to really support my husband in what he wants to do
• I am one of those people who is always willing to serve
• People trust me with their feelings.
• I make a difference in my community -- at church and other places -- by helping where I can, and being a person people admire
• I become a journalist or writer
• I find a fabulous collaborative music project to embark upon, and have tons of fun doing it.
• I help Amy Pixton market her TyBooks and she makes millions of dollars on them.
• I help Clayton with his CD and it becomes the most popular hymn CD among LDS people and seals his music career
• I have an annual reunion with my beloved roommates from my pre-marriage days
• Jared and I invest in real estate and become independently wealthy
• I lose my pregnant weight and become a "hot mom"
• I get 8 hours of sleep almost every night
• I learn to love Jared the way he wants and deserves to be loved.
• I learn to really commune with God
• I learn to act consciously, and not reactively, more often