Wildest Dreams

A friend of mine recently sent me an email about her "Wildest Dreams." In it she detailed all the things that she wants to happen in her life, much of it "wild" indeed, and unlikely to ever come to pass. But her enthusiasm is genuine, and I must admit that I've seen this friend accomplish many things that I thought were unrealistic and unlikely to happen at the outset. It's amazing, actually. She asked me to write my own list of wildest dreams and send it to her. And I can't bring myself to do it.

I've been somewhat surprised by my reaction to this email. I find myself rolling my inner eyes. "all that 'magic' ... and all that crazy 'creating my life' stuff... It doesn't measure up to reality. It just sometimes gets old" another friend told her. And I was surprised to find myself identifying with the friend, though I would never want to admit it.

Well, here I am, admitting it, I guess. My inner cynic is affecting this exchange too much to ignore. I don't consider myself cynical at all. In fact, I think this friend wouldn't probably say that I have inspired her significantly (which I don't say to flatter myself -- though I would be flattered -- but because I think it's relevant to the thought). Despite my personality of idealism, next to my friend, I am a complete nay-sayer at this moment. Have I always been? Is this a recent development? What is it about this that bothers me?

I don't know. So in order to sort through my psyche, I've decided to engage in a thought-experiment about it. I'm going to brainstorm and explore possibilities, none or all of which may be true.

here we go.

Why don't I want to write a list of my wildest dreams and pursue them? Possible reasons:

• Disillusionment: I've already tried following my wildest dreams. I believed in myself every bit. I enlisted lots of people to help out. I worked my a** off. And I was really really good at what I did. It didn't work out. Not because I'm not good enough or didn't work hard enough or anything. Sometimes the stars just don't line up right. I mean, when you're following something that isn't likely to happen, it's entirely possible that it won't happen, right? So what's the big deal. Still, now I am struggling with what to do with those dreams. I haven't played a gig since Seville was born, over 8 months. I'm not ready to say I've quit, but I don't have tons of enthusiasm to keep going. It seems like it might be more peaceful for my life to just admit that, hey, sometimes dreams don't come true. But is also feels like a colossal waste to stop. Partly because it's like letting go of a long-term boyfriend whom you have invested so much in, and partly just because I really believe I have something great to share with the world. A world that will never hear it.

• New Perspective: My perspective on fantasy and romance has changed, generally. I am a big believer now that life is beautiful, romantic, and miraculous just as it is, even without all kinds of drama and fantasy involved. I think too many people are looking for drama and fantasy, and I think they hold their own happiness hostage by being unable to accept the beauty that is their life, the blessing that is their circumstances, the joy that is that guy/girl who isn't perfect, but would make a great companion. (disclaimer: the friend in question is absolutely not guilty of this, for those who know who I mean). I'm not sure that coming up with a bunch of far-fetched "dreams" is going to improve my quality of life. Rather, I prefer to rejoice in what I have, am, live. I really feel strongly about this, as it's something I've learned mostly in the past couple of years. There is much excitement in pursuing bigger and better and more and different. But there is much peace in being still and loving what you have.

• Competition: I am a competitive woman by nature. I have tried for years to calm down my competitive side, but sometimes it surfaces. For example, I almost always have to fight feelings of resentment if I hear of another female folk-singer having success at all. Silly, I know. And embarrassing. But if I'm going to be totally honest about myself here, I have to admit that. So maybe part of me simply resents my friend for doing what I am not: following unrealistic dreams. And for accomplishing what I am not: seeing some of those dreams become reality.

• Overwhelmed: I am a bit overwhelmed these days. I have a husband with cancer, a baby who is struggling with eating and waking me up for hours at night, I'm sleep deprived, fat, tired, squeezing a budget, and generally exhausted and overwhelmed all the time. In some ways I think it's just that the idea that I should be trying to do any more than I'm already doing just makes me want to smash some china and cry. I would be happy right now if I could get dinner on the table each night and have clean clothes once in a while. Let alone following some "wildest dreams" nonsense. Maybe the idealist in me is just really struggling with the reality that I live, and the fact that day-to-day life is consuming every ounce of my energy, leaving nothing surplus for the fun and exciting stuff.

• Gratitude: Maybe I don't want to have wild dreams anymore. Maybe I just want to be happy with what I have.

That's all I am coming up with for now. Maybe I'll wake up in the middle of the night and think of something else, but for now I guess I'll sit with those thoughts. And see if they lead me anywhere.