I've been somewhat surprised by my reaction to this email. I find myself rolling my inner eyes. "all that 'magic' ... and all that crazy 'creating my life' stuff... It doesn't measure up to reality. It just sometimes gets old" another friend told her. And I was surprised to find myself identifying with the friend, though I would never want to admit it.
Well, here I am, admitting it, I guess. My inner cynic is affecting this exchange too much to ignore. I don't consider myself cynical at all. In fact, I think this friend wouldn't probably say that I have inspired her significantly (which I don't say to flatter myself -- though I would be flattered -- but because I think it's relevant to the thought). Despite my personality of idealism, next to my friend, I am a complete nay-sayer at this moment. Have I always been? Is this a recent development? What is it about this that bothers me?
I don't know. So in order to sort through my psyche, I've decided to engage in a thought-experiment about it. I'm going to brainstorm and explore possibilities, none or all of which may be true.
here we go.
Why don't I want to write a list of my wildest dreams and pursue them? Possible reasons:
- Disillusionment: I've already tried following my wildest dreams. I believed in myself every bit. I enlisted lots of people to help out. I worked my a** off. And I was really really good at what I did. It didn't work out. Not because I'm not good enough or didn't work hard enough or anything. Sometimes the stars just don't line up right. I mean, when you're following something that isn't likely to happen, it's entirely possible that it won't happen, right? So what's the big deal. Still, now I am struggling with what to do with those dreams. I haven't played a gig since Seville was born, over 8 months. I'm not ready to say I've quit, but I don't have tons of enthusiasm to keep going. It seems like it might be more peaceful for my life to just admit that, hey, sometimes dreams don't come true. But is also feels like a colossal waste to stop. Partly because it's like letting go of a long-term boyfriend whom you have invested so much in, and partly just because I really believe I have something great to share with the world. A world that will never hear it.
- New Perspective: My perspective on fantasy and romance has changed, generally. I am a big believer now that life is beautiful, romantic, and miraculous just as it is, even without all kinds of drama and fantasy involved. I think too many people are looking for drama and fantasy, and I think they hold their own happiness hostage by being unable to accept the beauty that is their life, the blessing that is their circumstances, the joy that is that guy/girl who isn't perfect, but would make a great companion. (disclaimer: the friend in question is absolutely not guilty of this, for those who know who I mean). I'm not sure that coming up with a bunch of far-fetched "dreams" is going to improve my quality of life. Rather, I prefer to rejoice in what I have, am, live. I really feel strongly about this, as it's something I've learned mostly in the past couple of years. There is much excitement in pursuing bigger and better and more and different. But there is much peace in being still and loving what you have.
- Competition: I am a competitive woman by nature. I have tried for years to calm down my competitive side, but sometimes it surfaces. For example, I almost always have to fight feelings of resentment if I hear of another female folk-singer having success at all. Silly, I know. And embarrassing. But if I'm going to be totally honest about myself here, I have to admit that. So maybe part of me simply resents my friend for doing what I am not: following unrealistic dreams. And for accomplishing what I am not: seeing some of those dreams become reality.
- Overwhelmed: I am a bit overwhelmed these days. I have a husband with cancer, a baby who is struggling with eating and waking me up for hours at night, I'm sleep deprived, fat, tired, squeezing a budget, and generally exhausted and overwhelmed all the time. In some ways I think it's just that the idea that I should be trying to do any more than I'm already doing just makes me want to smash some china and cry. I would be happy right now if I could get dinner on the table each night and have clean clothes once in a while. Let alone following some "wildest dreams" nonsense. Maybe the idealist in me is just really struggling with the reality that I live, and the fact that day-to-day life is consuming every ounce of my energy, leaving nothing surplus for the fun and exciting stuff.
- Gratitude: Maybe I don't want to have wild dreams anymore. Maybe I just want to be happy with what I have.
10 comments:
Might I suggest that maybe your wildest dreams have changed? I dunno. Just a thought.
I've reached the pinnacle of my career dreams. Sounds funny to say that. But yes, I'm living one of my "wildest dreams." And now I've created a new list of dreams. They have nothing to with money, power, career, or hobbies. They have more to do with small joys, relationships, love, and service. My wildest dreams have become less "wild" in worldly terms, but extremely loving and daring in my personal realm.
Also, I think the idea of conquering the world - and even just your dreams - can seem overwhelming! I assume especially if you have a family of your own! :)
I personally do believe in magic, miracles, and creating your own destiny. And I also think it's okay to revise your plans as you go along. It seems to make life more colorful. Plus, it allows us to realize we have even more potential - and more dreams - than we thought!
Whoa~
Is it okay for me to echo your thoughts on this? I was asked to come up with this list by mentioned friend (i think Im that cynical one) and as I wander around my daily life something about it has been nagging me in the back of my mind. I hadn't articulated my thoughts on in yet and wasnt so sure why I was hesitating to even think up one dream. I too am overwhelmed with reality and dread the thought of all that needless pressure (and dare I admit it - dissapointment).
Many more thoughts on the topic....
Hi Skye
Ive read you Blog a bit an Jared's and good to hear things are making some progress. I thought I would comment on your thoughts. I went through a similar experience a few years ok with the concept of a list. It was also a time we many of my life goals had shattered and things were a little rough. I eventually made a list which I simple call "Things i want to do before I die" The list from time to time grows and changes. Somethings are big and cost money like going to coffee shop in Paris with a good friend. Others are really simple and actually easy. Although i have only ticked off two things on my list and am close to a third. It does bring a sense of joy an achievement each time I tick once. Actually everytime I plan it, think about it and do it, it brings me joy.
I have decided that I will be happy if I get to do half the things on my list before I die. Even if that only ever lands up being ten, then its ten things that I would not have done before I died that I did do and tend things I got much joy from that if I never tried I would have never got that joy.
So, my thought is you are most likely right on all of your different lines of thought, but so what just do it. Do it your way, do it the way it means something to you and get great joy doing it whether they small things or big things. We can all do some things and we can all do with a little extra joy in our lives that comes from doing them.
Hey Skye,
I hope you don't mind that I look at this site and that I am commenting but I wanted to say that I feel like when people make lists of "things" that they want to accomplish or that are dreams to them, it opens up a sense of failure in them.
That might not sound right but what I mean is.....if I make a list of what my dreams are, then I will feel the need to focus on them and do them and do them with perfection. However, some things that I would want to do or dream about, realistically aren't ever going to happen. Therefore, if I list them and then don't do them I feel like a failure.
Instead, like yourself, I would rather try and focus on the things that will bring me a better sense of realistic worth. Things that I can handle....things that I might already have and that I need to appreciate more.
That doesn't mean that there aren't things or dreams of mine that I would love to do, it just means if I don't get to do them....i'll still be happy and I'd rather not focus on everything I didn't do. There's an infinite number of things I can't do, but want to. And, I don't think making a list will make it more possible to accomplish them and I don't fell that everyone needs a list in order to really accomplish something spectacular. Great things happen everyday.
i made a list, and the list stresses me out a little too.
i'm scared of getting married and having a baby cause if it's making you smash china and cry... what the HECK is it gonna do to me?!!!!!!!!!
having a baby makes you FAT! thats what it does to you. but it does good stuff too.
I am "said friend". There's no need to keep me anonymous. I'm the one who is challenging my friends to make a list of their wildest dreams. I'm the one stressing them out and making them want to break china and cry! I'm a great friend, huh!?
Thank you for your thoughts, Skye. I can always count on you for delving deep inside yourself. If you don't mind, I'd love to write my comments right here for everyone to read:
It sounds like you're living so many of your wildest dreams right now, and that makes me very happy! I don't care if you write a list of future dreams, especially if that stresses you out. (I guess this whole comment is for EmilyN too. Honey, I didn't know. You sounded like you wanted to do it...) In my mind, Skye, I have a list. I guess lists just work for me, and unlike what Lumina said about her's, they don't stress me out one single tiny bit. They motivate and inspire me. I have "be a millionaire and start a non-profit organization with the money" on my list. (Just to let you know, you said that many things on my list seemed unlikely to happen. As of today's date, I believe every single one of those things will happen. To me, wildest dreams doesn't mean "not going to happen dreams". At this time in my present state, I have no reason to believe they won't.)
For both Skye and EmilyN and any other friend who will roll their eyes at my untamed optimism, it might be that this little foo-foo-pollyanna-happy-go-lucky trait of mine will just have to be something you struggle with in your friendship with me! I suggest you have fun with it before it falls out of a tree and breaks. I am not naive enough to believe that's not possible.
In my mind, Skye and Emily, you both have written an oral list with me for years, listing your wildest dreams. Skye, in my mind you still have on your list that you are a professional musician. Call me your over-optimistic friend who deserves some rolls of the eyes, but I still have no reason to believe you won't be a professional musician someday. Now like Tamara said, you might have taken this off the list as your dreams evolved. Well, then, just let me know and it's gone. And then put it back on your list, and poof! I'm right there again to support you in it.
The way I see it is that there are too many people rolling their eyes in this world. But what I've seen to be true is that more and more people need people like me to roll their eyes at. I believe you have other people, experiences, culture, and history telling you that you can't be a professional musician. I'd rather not join them, especially if you still have that little ache in your soul to be on stage again. Again, if that ache is gone then just let me know. And yes, I'm the first to admit that it's more peaceful to just throw up the hands and say that sometimes dreams don't come true. But you're not dead yet, Skye, and if you're still dreaming it, I'd just like to go on my merry way in supporting it.
So I'll take your rolled eyes, Skye (and Emily). Live your wildest dreams. All of them. At any time. I'll take your cynicism and your skepticism and match it with the very opposite of those things. And please remember that I'm not attached to you living anything you don't want to. Just continue to communicate with me.
I love the fresh, engaging, and loving honesty among friends here. I really do. It's not intended to be offensive. It's kind and caring -- even if things aren't fully understood or agreed. I love it. I think that's true friendship. What's that adage? "A real friend will stab you in the front."
I tend to be a list person from time to time as well. I can get into a "what's next" mode often. And I think as I get older, that mode tends to be less about accomplishing things outside of myself and more about personal inner growth.
My 20s were all about success and conquering the world. And I hope my 30s will be more about love and conquering myself. In my mind, today, that's how I'm defining wildest dreams.
I'd like to get big and fat with kids. But that's not my life right now. Right now I keep having to buy skinnier jeans from walking around the city so much. And maybe that will help me lure a man my way so I can someday get fat and have kids. Who knows! The universe works in mysterious ways!
But for today, I'm just grateful for living my dreams in the moment.
Ms. Emily Moon, I think it's cool that you dream big. Someone has to! Why not be you?! Am I a skeptic? Hmmm... I dunno. At times. My skepticism has changed over the years; I'm now less skeptical of dreams than I am of people's intentions. And maybe that will change again someday.
But for now, dream big, whatever that may be! Some days my wildest dreams are simply to keep my head above water. I think I've created a pretty full life for myself. It's a challenge many times for people to just enjoy what they have and that's kinda the mode I'm in -- I'm enjoying the small moments and joys life brings me. And maybe tomorrow I'll be ready for another big list of "adventures." But today. Well... today I'm grateful for love, friendship, and sharing.
It's posts like this with bullet points, intro and endings that make me feel like I can't post on my blog! Why do I have to have such stunningly intelligent and effortlessly incredible friends like all of you? It makes it impossible to just roll over and wallow in averageness.
I'm grateful for the refreshing and stimulating talk here too. I'm so happy to have friends who "stab me in the front" and challenge me even when I complain and whine as I do the pushups, I always feel so much better when I do them.
Stay tuned for my Wildest Dreams List...
love love love to all of you
I feel bad for ever mentioning anything Em. The last thing I want is to hurt you. And I think I was mis-taken. The fact is, when you were with me I felt jazzed up about it because you have that effect on me. I walk around thinking about my list and still desire to do it of course its just that there is another dimention to my life and thoughts and dreams. Part of it is guilt for even daring to ask for more than I have lest I dont deserve. I love to dream. and want to dream. I might fear some dreams.
but then again, sometimes life gets in my way and I am more interested in my bed and a hot cup of tea. Maybe I didnt understand the question. but give me time and a good conversation and i will try to let it flow.
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