Sometimes, late at night, I indulge in sadness.
If I can manage to so much as break a tear, I can prime the pump and bring forth a wellspring of deep sorrow, covered by time and inhibitions and daylight and more important things. I can reach deep into my soul and spirit and find remnants of lost pain, grief, fear, longing, fury, disappointment, anger, loss, defeat. It bubbles up and flows for me in the darkest hours of the night, and I can almost savor its sweetness. It's hard to turn off once it starts, except for falling asleep.
This cleansing, this ritual, this purging of negative feelings... it is the hope that tomorrow I will feel clean and fresh and new and happy.
And then tomorrow comes. And sometimes, to be totally honest, I just feel dumb. What the heck was I crying about, anyway? Am I really cleaning out the corners of my battered soul, preparing for a brighter tomorrow? Or is it possible, just maybe, that late at night I just feel emotional and worn down and... I'm just making some of it up? Am I really so sad about all these things? If I cry them out will they be done, or is it possible that I could cry about them any old night because the sadness just exists there in me?
Maybe I need to embrace the sadness and live with it, rather than always trying to "cry it out." And maybe, if that's the case, crying about it over and over late at night is nothing but simply indulgence. It's not cleansing or purging, but just... entertaining. And if so, is that bad? Well... I want to say no. But poor Jared! How many nights does he have to hold me while I'm crying, asking me what I'm crying about to my "I don't know." If I don't know, is it doing me any good?
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3 comments:
I found something out-
we all do this skye
i guess its a girl thing or something. when i start crying for no reason at all i can easily pick one of the couple really big pains in my life and point my crying to that. but often the tears are spontaneous just because it feels good to let go and blubber.
Of course it's not fair to guys who naturally feel like they are incapable of making us happy when they see it. even when it has nothing to do with them and they may even be making the girl feel betterby just being there - they still are confused frightened little puppies who feel like they failed somehow.
just remind him that its hormonally normal/neccessary for chicks to cry for no reason at all. And he's a hero just for holding and listening
Everything will be okay...
I don't know any of the answers to your questions (I know they weren't to be answered anyway), but thank you for sharing this with all of us. Makes us feel like we're there with you in those late night hours. I love you.
My psychologist told me once after I took a test that I have personality characteristics that are similar to someone with an adjustment personality disorder... kind of like I overreact, which then makes me display symptoms of depression. Ever since he told me that, I've felt like I was wrong whenever I cried about something... but you know what? There's always a reason I'm crying. Sometimes I'm worried, sometimes I'm mad, and sometimes my heart just hurts for someone. And I think those are all valid reasons, and I don't think we should feel guilty or stupid or invalid. I think we should feel thankful that we have such possibility for empathy. Thank heavens we cry! Don't ever feel stupid!
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