(Personal discretion advised: it's very late at night and I might sound overly honest, opinionated, and ungraceful)
Several of my friends who are single all seem to have this constant battle raging in them: “Is the church right? Is it true? It’s so lame sometimes! Sometimes I can’t stand being associated with a lame church. Ugh.” etc.
Welcome to the club.
I suspect that the church is better and easier for married people, and here’s why: Married people learn a thing or two from marriage. They learn to roll their eyes and step forward when things happen that they don’t like. They learn to choose their battles. They learn that there is no such thing as perfect synchronicity in a relationship that is ever changing, because the people involved are ever changing. They learn that some things take a lifetime to reconcile, and they learn that some things just have to be let go. They learn that you can live with things you disdain, and that sacrifice is worth the reward. They learn that relationships have ups and downs, and that the downs don’t make the relationship “not right.”
I suspect some of my single friends have a hard time with the church for the same reason they can’t settle on a love partner: they have this idealized vision of what it should be like. The church should always be right, and true, and well behaved, and inspired. Any flaw is fatal (since the “right” church couldn’t have any flaws. That would make it not “right,” right?).
Sound familiar? It does to me. My idea of romance a few years ago is nothing like what I understand it to be now. I look back and laugh at myself then. What I truly, honestly believed to be romantic seems superficial and hollow to me, like the candy coating on an empty possibility. True romance is so much deeper and more fulfilling than I ever could have imagined then. And yet it is so much less... perfect.
I had to go through a major transformation of my expectations to be prepared for the step of marriage in my life. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that I “settled;” Jared is more perfect for me than I could have made up had I tried, but I certainly did have to adjust my vision of what I wanted for my future an awful lot to be open to the idea of him. Thank God.
And yet there are things I can’t stand about living with my lover, things that I might have considered “deal breakers” at one time. They seem so silly to me now. The power and joy that we share by committing to each other in order to accomplish great things together renders my adolescent vision irrelevant and childish.
People who are single, and roughly my age, have lived with the church long enough to get past the honeymoon phase. No longer attending EFY in the summers and finished with their BYU glory days, they are beginning to see how much of a hassle real church commitment is. They begin to see all the shortcomings of the organization, and the places where they disagree with the doctrine, and the proverbial dirty socks lying around the house. Without the benefit of marriage experience, I suspect they continue to wish for a honeymoon-like relationship with the church.
My relationship with the church, on the other hand, is not unlike the one I have with my husband. It is imperfect. It goes up and down. The church does stuff I can’t stand all the time, and sometimes I want it to go away, or I want to leave. Sometimes I roll my eyes and move on. Sometimes I vent at my girlfriends about it. I choose my battles. Some things about it will take a lifetime to reconcile. And some things never will, and I’ll just have to let them go...
Nevertheless, I love the church. Only with it, through it, and by it can I accomplish the dreams closest to my heart.
Even if sometimes it annoys me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
11 comments:
Wow, I should demand you post more often!
Of all the words used in your post, I specifically enjoy this one: expectations.
I believe a lot of our disappointment in anything is derived from our own misplaced expectations. I expect much from myself and other elements that are in my control. And many times, I expect much of others. That typically leads to disappointment and sadness. It's a tough habit to break, but necessary indeed.
I mean really... WHY am I holding onto any expectations when it just leads to frustration? Isn't this life about joy?
I think your statements need to be evaluated further. You are claiming three things: expectations keep people from staying active in the church, expectations keep people from getting married, and the implied ideas that people should be active and people should be married. I think you are wrong.
People are walking away from the church because they have real issues with it. To downplay their issues to the issue of their expectations is demeaning to their integrity. The church claims to be the one true church, that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon from golden plates, that the prophet(s) are prophets of God, and to get more general, that the organization and operation of the church is divine. I'll grant you that people might have high expectations, but that is only because the church is making high claims and a large demand on people's perspectives. When the church cannot live up to its claims, what then are people to do but walk away? There is no shame in that, yet your post leaves me thinking that you regard people who question the church with disdain. Your tone is condescending and offensive. You have done nothing to explore why the church isn't working for singles but defnitely talk about why single members aren't working for you. Attitudes like yours contribute greatly to single adults leaving the church. The key doctrine to any Christian religion is love. If I don't feel love in a Christian church, I will leave. To have strict demands on people like they must attend even if they don't believe only lets people feel alienated if they don't conform.
Another thing to consider is that you are precisely right in saying tha the church is easier for married people than for single adults. There is an actual infrastructure in place for married couples and families while there isn't anything to speak of for people who are single. There is a full doctrine for people who are married, but single people are left in the cold. If the church really is led by GOd, maybe God would do something to make single people feel loved and important in His church instead of freakish.
Your analysis on why people aren't married is ridiculous. While some people do have extreme expectations, the reason why most people aren't married is because they haven't found healthy love. And that's okay, because it can take a long time. Some people find healthy love earlier, others later. I encourage no person to ever lower their expectations and settle for something less. That will only lead to unhappiness.
Being true and loving to oneself is infinitely more important than doing something that your soul rejects.
Dear "anonymous,"
You've grossly misinterpreted my post. Sorry if you are offended (did you read the disclaimer?) Your response puts a lot of words in my mouth and acts as if I'm making a bunch of vast claims that I am not. I don't want to waste my time pointing out all the places you've made assumptions about what I said that are incorrect. But I will say that quite OBVIOUSLY no situation applies to everyone, so you don't need to think I'm talking about you here.
Lighten up. It's supposed to be a fun analogy.
I think more people in this world should lighten up. sheesh!
I'm sick of people hiding behind anonymity. If you're going to say something, have the guts to sign your name to it... and don't claim it's all some big "misunderstanding" later.
Amen, ya'll! (except "anonymous," who is so full of expectation him/herself that he/she can't see past his/her own nose). Thank heavens I'm friends with you, Skye!
Um, but I don't "know" you and you're not "anonymous." There's an "anonymous" option when posting a comment. Otherwise, you can leave your name (as "the mom" did on my blog, even though she knows no one) or your blogger name, that is visible to anyone.
Okay, so I didn't actually mean to go anonymous-bashing. Anonymous is probably someone I know and like, and unfortunately it's easy fall into responding in an unkind way when it's online and you don't know who you're talking to. I think I was a little defensive back there.
Anyway, s/he actually brings up some good points and issues that I myself have grumbled about. I would be happy to have an intelligent conversation about some of those things some time. For example, I too think the church doesn't do well at addressing the needs of single members. I too think that we have a culture that makes incredible demands on each other -- too much for some people -- and yet we don't give very much leeway for people to choose how much to participate. We tend to expect all or nothing.
And yet, When you say "The Church" makes bold claims and demands, who, exactly, are you talking about making these claims? It would sure take the entire 12 to issue a proclomation in unison before I let myself get my panties in a wad about what someone said or suggested. Why take on something if it doesn't resonate within you?
Also, while I know that Anonymous' points were thoughtful and genuine, and I don't want to take away from that, I think s/he illustrated my point perfectly. It seems obvious, to me, that Anonymous makes an incredible demand on the church to be perfect, to be more, to be tailored to Anonymous' needs (even if that would make it less effective for others), to live up to all of its claims and goals, to never let members down. Wouldn't that be nice? But the church is made up of POEOPLE. You can't even get ONE person to live up to all that, let alone millions of them.
The church makes a lot of demands culturally, but if you look at the doctrine of the church, there are only a few things required of us. Not small things. But they are only a few. All the supplemental peripheral stuff is not of the essence, and you just can't get hung up on that.
Anyway, I was simply not making a statement meant to address the REAL problem of single church membership (which I do see as a problem. It really doesn't work for very many people). I was simply not addressing people who have major doctrinal qualms. I was simply not saying that ALL people who are not married or who are not satisfied with the church fit into this category (but some do, I know for a fact. I did. Many of my friends have commented that they relate to this as well. Especially after marriage. There are some things you can't understand until you experience them). I was simply not saying that all people should be married or that those who aren't are all single for this one reason. I was simply NOT claiming the "three things" Anonymous read into my post. It really was meant to be fun, and maybe a helpful, light perspective for people who relate to it.
I was simply not addressing people whose "souls reject" the church. My soul didn't reject marrying Jared, of course. I loved him and wanted to marry him. I chose him, but then I had to learn to live with him. I'm talking to THOSE people. People who love the church and want to be a part of it, but who have a hard time with aspects of it. People who have chosen the church, or who want to choose the church, but need to let go of some things, have a sense of humor, and let some stuff roll off their back. People whose souls, deep down, want and love this, and are faithfully trying to make the daily practicality of church membership work for them in a harmonious way.
Skye and a total stranger, kudos for the great conversation!
Just a noteto those who comment anonymously: What's the point of sharing an opinion if you are too afraid of standing up for it? Weak, in my opinion. Very weak.
The End, as far as my comments on anonymity go.
To: a total stranger... you're not anonymous, the poster called "anonymous" is. Though obviously we're all posting in anonymity. I feel like I maybe have committed a grievous grammatical sin in that sentance, but hey, I'm in mental health, not grammar. Regardless, I wasn't referring to you *grin*
Post a Comment