Speaking of that last post...

It's a sucky position to be in, hoping someone else will be more kind than you have been, throwing your conscience at the mercy of the rest of humanity.

It occurs to me that different people can think very different things of us based on the moment they interface with us. One time I was driving Jared home from a doctor's appointment. Mind you, this particular appointment is every two weeks, we have to drive across town during rush-hour, and I have to drive because he's doped up on all kinds of drugs. The appointment itself is only for a shot, and takes less than five minutes, but it takes an hour and a half of driving to get there and back. In crappy traffic. I hate it. It drives me crazy. I have a sick husband and an impatient baby in the car and I just want everyone to get out of my way so I can get home already!

So this one time I was taking backroads (read: through town, stopping at every traffic light on every block) and this guy started crossing the street when the hand was flashing -- you know: the hand that means "if you're not already walking, don't start now because the light is about to turn." He even had a limp, so he was going slow and was not very far when my light turned, and I had to wait for him. I revved my engine a little in my impatience. Jared had enough wits about him to wave at the guy and tell him, "you're ok!" through the window before he turned and chastised me, "what the heck are you doing?! Why'd you go and do that?" I mean, he was right. I'm revving my engine at some poor guy with a limp because I don't want to wait a few more seconds?! People in cars can be so lazy and inconsiderate (I learned this during my bike-commuter days).

I felt bad about the pedestrian incident, and resolved not to be so lame. So later in that same drive I was at another intersection and I merrily waited for some folks to cross. A couple with a stroller was lagging behind, but I gave them that little "go ahead" wave you give, and they gratefully went ahead.

The limping guy probably thinks I'm a complete b****. The stroller couple think I'm a really nice person. And I'm sure this pattern appears elsewhere in my associations. Some people observe me doing really stupid and inconsiderate things. Others see me doing only really great, nice, kind things. Jared sees it all, like in that drive, and everything probably cancels itself out.

But I wish Jared (and everyone else) could see me as my newly resolved considerate-to-pedestrians driver. It's bites, kinda, that my past has to haunt me like that.

I think this is one of the most important and overlooked purposes of the principle of forgiveness. Yes, you free yourself of a grudge. Yes, you shouldn't judge others. But I think the real reason we need to forgive each other is to give each other the benefit of the doubt when we make positive changes in our lives. It's hard to feel like a truly considerate driver with Jared in the car if I know he's thinking to himself, "she's just doing that because she feels bad about being a jerk earlier." If I could find a way to wipe his memory and/or judgment, I could decide that "from here on out, I'm going to be considerate to pedestrians." And I could really be that, and own it, and be proud of it.