Bucking the Trends

It seems like all the rage lately to go retro with our communication and/or take a sabbatical from blogging. I have a few good friends who are either taking breaks from their blogs or re-evaluating the blog's value and place and how personal one should be, etc. It's understandable, really. You can absolutely bear your soul to the world (literally) and think that everyone is going to come read and post all kinds of supportive comments and stuff... and then maybe nobody does. When Jared & I first started posting about cancer we had something like 450 hits a week. As the drama leveled out, most of those have moved on with their lives and we get just a few comments here and there now (maybe we've failed to capture the imaginations of our family and friends, but how entertaining do we have to make our lives sound to keep our friends interested?)

When we all started blogging, I hated it. I didn't have time to keep up and felt like I was on the outs if I hadn't read every word of every friend's blog (and people were posting lengthy ruminations daily, it seemed). Now, though, I really love blogging (possibly partially due to my using a reader now). It's a way to keep in touch at our own pace, on our own time, however much we're able, however personal we do or don't want to be. But I, too, struggle with having multiple blogs with various levels of vulnerability, etc. And recently, one of the sabbatical-taking friends and I started emailing -- actually e-mailing personal messages -- and I realized that I was able to say things I never would have written here. At least initially.

So in an attempt to revitalize the personal nature of this blog, I'm posting an excerpt of my email to her, responding to how I'm feeling about things and if I'm doing okay with everything going on in my life:

I'm really doing pretty well with things. Jared's on the mend and things are returning to normal, so I'm just trying to catch up on stuff and figure out what Normal Life With Baby is really supposed to be like. I'm looking forward to holidays and trying not to get carried away with all the things I think I'm going to be able to do. In fact, if anything, I'm feeling a little like I've missed something here. People have sent me books, articles, essays, etc written by people who had cancer, or were close to someone who did, writing all about What They Learned or How They Changed or How Their Outlook On Life Is Altered. They talk big. They talk like cancer was this big epiphany which caused them to question everything and turned their world upside down and helped them find God and caused all kinds of personal growth and made them start foundations to help starving babies and made them realize How Alive They Really Are and brought them peace within their souls and goodwill toward all men and world peace and stuff. Me? I'm just kinda trying to hold my marriage together and make sure I feed my baby enough. Cancer was hard. IS hard. still. Right now I'm in the aftermath, and there's a lot more cleaning up to do than I thought there would be -- probably because I didn't experience this life-changing catharsis all these more noble cancer-surviving families did. I'm not sure I'm emerging a better person. If anything, I'm emerging a little bedraggled and beat up and cynical and desperate to reclaim an innocence I think I may have lost -- but I'm holding out hope.

So... you know... other than feeling a little inadequate, life is pretty good these days.

If you still read this blog, I'd love to know...