My Body

Here is me, two and a half years ago, just before I got married:


Here is me last week:

And the great thing about it? I feel more like a beautiful goddess now than ever.

I was actually a little shocked to come across that old picture of myself, because I remember how I "felt" about my body at the time. I felt hot n' all, but I remember being still self-conscious about various lumpy places and squishy places and feeling like I needed to get in better shape all the time. Weird to me, now, because I look at that picture and think, "Man! I was a hot little number!" I mean... I don't think I knew how hot I was, ever the self-critic (I think all girls are this way).

Last night I was at the Blazers/Celtics game and the blazer dancers were dancing in all their bare-midriffed glory. I couldn't take my eyes off their cute, flat, little navels. Having the hugest navel ever at the moment, complete with stretched and pregnant outtie, there is something magnetic to me about those tiny little adorned bellybuttons. And yet, I also couldn't help but notice the slight and subtle differences one between the other. Some girls had the teensiest bit of pooch, or a more curvy waist, or whatever. I remember when I was doing a lot of modern and jazz dance how much I would compare myself to other girls, and can only imagine it's the same for the Blazer Dancers. Every single one of these girls has an amazing figure, worthy of a magazine spread. And yet, I have no doubt that every single one of them likely stresses and frets about it all the time, looks at the others girls, laments the parts of her own body that are less perfect than the next girl.

We women are so hard on ourselves.

And I hope my little daughter will be immune to all this. But I know she won't be. And so I hope she is beautiful. But what if she's not? How can I teach her to be beautiful without patronizing her or feeding her lines? How can I be sensitive to the reality she would face but still bolster her own sense of herself? I know beauty has so much more to do with confidence and manner than with waist size and nose-profile, but I still know that those things are so real in a woman's world, they cannot be ignored or dismissed. As much as I feel like a goddess with my current body, I still cringe when I see pictures of myself over the holidays. I have that "pregnant-fat-face" thing that happens. And my "hips" are ginormous. And there are some things that are just hard to get over, even if you know it's all for a baby. If I can't get over this stuff, how can I teach a little girl to be immune?