I'm reading it... to edit it of course. I just have the first 100 pages. It's amazing.
And I appear in it too, as a character, so that's fun. Or it was supposed to be. She gave me all the necessary disclaimers: "it's a character based on you, I can't represent you exactly, blah blah blah" ...I'm a songwriter. I know.
I was prepared for her embellishing her assessment of things maybe. But this may be one of the hardest things I've ever done. I got to the part where people in the ward asked her... "so, what's it like living with her?" and all the mean things people said about me behind my back. ...............i'm so crushed. i had no idea. i lay awake in bed last night for hours, tears welling up in my eyes. people i thought were my friends said those things about me?! people didn't like me? i must be so naive! i always imagine that everyone likes me. after all, i like everyone. there's hardly anyone i don't like, and i certainly don't say mean things about other people behind their backs! i just can hardly believe it. But i also know it's true. it makes sense. sometimes i sensed gossip or something-less-than-good-will from people. i never thought it was about me.
i don't really know how to take it. It reminds me of the 4th grade. I had long been the class geek. One time there was an obvious secret among my classmates, and it was obviously about me and Matt. I tried to listen to the whispers, the looks, the taunts, to figure out what it was about. They even invented a secret code-language. One day, my two best friends -- the other geeks in the school -- learned the language and began talking behind my back. I wasn't worried about it. Just flattered. I told them I knew what it was about kindof. They said, "oh, what?" I said that Matt liked me (I knew that he was planning to ask me to "go" with him). They laughed and laughed. Turns out Matt lost a bet with his best friend, and his punishment was to ask me to go with him. In that moment my little teachers-pet-smart-innocent-kid-who-played-with-ladybugs world was shattered. Instead of being the desirable person I thought I was, I was the lowest of the low. I was a PUNISHMENT for this kid. And everyone else thought it was hilarious. Even my best friends.
I had no friends that day.
Nor any day for a long time after.
Since adulthood I have considered myself lucky: popular and well-liked with lots of friends and amazing people in my life. Have I just spent my life thinking that was an isolated incident of childhood cruelty, when in fact, I have always been quietly despised and murmured against?
Do I have any friends now?
I dreamt last night that Jared left me. That I found a new boyfriend, but I wasn't happy, and I wanted to call Jared and beg him to come back. I woke up and tried to put my arm around him, to remind myself that he was there and he pushed it away. I tried again, he pushed again, harder. Then he rolled and pushed my whole body away. ... I know he's asleep when he does this. I know he doesn't know he's doing it. But I also know I'm asleep when I have bad dreams. They don't hurt any less, they are no less scary. And his pushing me away is no less painful, in those moment, than if he looked me straight in the eye and did it on purpose.
I think the 4th-grader in me never really grew up, and I still fear nothing more than rejection.
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2 comments:
Skye...
Skye... Skye... Skye... dearest
Skye Pixton, before she was Engstrom...
My Skye. Those were hard words to hear. Those were really hard I know.
I did embellish. I made people say things in that section of the book that they didn't really say. That's why I HAD to change your name. I was writing Skye Skye Skye throughout the book, but Belle is not Skye. It was so freeing to create a character.
Yes, you're right. The hard truth is that some of it is true. Your beauty and enchantment and confidence and talent completely intimidate people, especially viscious girls. I've thought about this so much while I was writing it. I did it on purpose. I wanted to show the ugliness of people in that scene, and their ignorance. Especially when the readers find out who Belle really is by the end, and that her beauty has deep sacred roots, most precious. Skye, I've been one of those ugly people too, and writing about those things help me be aware of it so I don't make those same mistakes. And so the readers don't make the same mistakes.
You must understand that people who have said hurtful things about you behind your back have been scared of you because you reminded them of their insecurities. I believe it was never a deliberate attack on you. You probably know all of this, but I want to remind you.
And yes, you have friends. Oh my goodness. You have better than friends. You have goddesses.
Skye, I want to walk with you all the way through with this until you feel safe again. This is very important to me. I want to hear your anger, or your hurt, or anything more you have that you aren't saying yet. Again, this is very important to me. Your heart is so sweet and sensitive, and the last thing I want is for this story to make you sad. My ideal is that eventually you will be able to read the rest of the story when it's finished and understand that this is my story, my interpretation, my perception, my ignorance, my learning process, my paradigm... not truth, not a reflection on you and who you are.
I love you so much, Skye Pixton. I feel so close to you. You are so important to me. Keep talking with me...I'm waiting ok?
Hello goddesses darling ones!!!!!
Here we are sitting on the floor in the most random of places in the house, at the most random time of the day, oblivious to what normal people's schedules are and that they sit on furniture...
and one of us is crying, and we are all bare soul and love.
Oh, it's so good to be here again with you both. I love you!!!
Skye darling,
how do I say what there is to say to you...
everything Emily just said, over again, and again,
and also,
all of my love to you. it's true, what she said about needing to show the ugliness before the sacred roots
I'm glad that people said, "You live with her?" like that. Cause it created a space for Emily, Michele and I to come inside of your beautiful world! Oh, what a dream come true it has been. I'm still reeling from the beauty that is you.
I love you!
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